Perinatal counselling is often not spoken of. Jacqueline has been brave enough to share her experience in support of our Bluebell Perinatal service and raising awareness that there is support available.
"My name is Jacqueline, I have two kids: a boy aged 5 and a girl aged 2.
I am sharing my story as I am lucky enough to have one. I mean lucky in the sense that my life has changed immeasurably since becoming a mum (and not all of it was positive).
When I had my son almost 6 years ago, I knew after a few months that I wasn’t feeling 100%. I didn’t feel sad, but I felt very misplaced from my own self, and I couldn’t put my finger on what or why. My husband and I moved in with my parents for 6 months and I believe that time added to/ kicked off some of what was happening for me; it was so stressful and didn’t have a good relationship with my mum.
I think at that point I felt like I had to speak to someone like a GP, so I was assessed at Leverndale Hospital and the doctor there pointed me in the direction of CrossReach Bluebell Perinatal Counselling Service. The donation service waiting list was quite long so I opted to pay for their fixed fee service. I had around 6 sessions which were so useful and got me back on track.
When my son was 2 and a half years old, I was giving him a bath after a long day having been to see Toy Story the movie. He wasn’t sleeping well then, neither was I, and he was playing up which got worse and worse. I remember thinking I wanted to hit him. I didn’t but I wanted to which I felt ashamed and embarrassed about.
As my husband was out with friends I sat with my own thoughts telling myself over and over I wasn’t a good mum and he’d be better off if I just killed myself. It would be better if I just died.
JacquelineI knew then I needed to speak to Bluebell again so reached out and as I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter, I was a priority. I had 8 sessions with an amazing counsellor which made me feel in a much better place and was happy in life again.
Then at 13 days old, my daughter was seriously ill with Bronchiolitis and we spent a week in hospital. I barely slept as I was expressing milk for her and there were a lot of interruptions. During this time, I experienced suicidal thoughts again and I spiralled a little. I knew I didn’t hear voices, but I knew that those thoughts didn’t belong in my head and weren’t mine. I told my husband straight away about this and he was a great support.
Again I reached out to Bluebell. I was so lost, so desperate for someone to look at me and help and she said to me three words that I will never forget.
“I see you” and that was all it took.
I knew she meant it. I got more from our conversation in that moment than I had ever had with anyone since becoming a mum. With this Bluebell counsellor, we did some great work together and I left those sessions better equipped and with the tools to use to navigate myself.
Now, I am doing good, I think! I feel lighter, I feel like I have shed something heavier than another skin but lighter than a demon. I can’t quite find the words to describe it, but I no longer carry it and that’s thanks to my counselling sessions for getting me here. Sometimes, when I am really sleep deprived (that daughter of mine just loves a cuddle off me through the night…1 or 17 times) I do struggle. But that is normal, and I am at peace with myself.
There was a long time when I didn’t want to be here, but I also didn’t want to die. That limbo is a scary place. No one deserves that.
I am grateful to CrossReach for helping me when I needed that most. I’m not sure where I’d be without it.
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After sharing her story and seeing the amazing response, we had a chat with Jacqueline about her experience through Perinatal depression and the support CrossReach provided. You can watch the full 23 minute discussion below.
